Oh my God, I feel sick.

I don't know why, I feel like I had the largest meal of my life last night and I didn't even eat anything. All I had yesterday were those damn fajitas and a few nachos, for lunch! Why do I feel like this now? Jesus.

I was seriously considering changing my major to computer science, but the mathematics involved seem dull. I'll look more into NP completeness, but it seems as though not much mathematical knowledge is necessary to succeed in the field. Grrr!

Ok, I've decided, before my twentieth birthday I'm going to start transitioning. That means I need to get out of my house before then. I'm going to have to quit working at ****, I'm going to have to figure out a way to tell my parents, and lastly figure out a way to deal with **-chan's parents. They already hate me by the way. I need to figure out a way to get my hands on some estrogen, antiandrogens, and progesterone. I don't know if I'll be able to get to a doctor and get approval (I don't know if my mum will keep me on her insurance), but you know what? I don't care. I know ** will be thankful because Moore's law is about to go in on full effect and this will take the heat off of her like nothing else. Nothing like a little thermodynamics to spoil your day.

I'm also going to start working my ass off. I'm going to kick up my mathematics studying per day to at least 3 hours and my computer studies to about 2. I know for a fact I'm going to be doing work in *********** and ********** ******, so after school I'll be able to do consultant work in addition to work at a university. I'm planning on getting a large amount of plastic surgery, but that all depends on how much I feel I need after my transition. I also want to start up an internet security firm and do consultant work as an ethical hacker.... Damn just writing that makes my gut wrench, but I need the money. I also need to do as much research as possible on the transitioning process, especially how to go about acquiring pills and also getting my hands on some voice stuff.

So what do I need to do now? Acquire certs, do a shitload of studying, and get some hormones. Oh, I also need to by a whole new wardrobe, I need to by some makeup and I need to get my name changed. I think I may by rogaine to speed up my hair growth and of course I'm going to get laser surgery before Christmas.

I guess now the only think I have get started acquiring information, make a real plan and then get moving.

Bye, bye inertia!!

My work has been completely trashed. I've got to start from scrach, I'll use my intuition to a firm degree, but from now on it will be kept firmly in check with strict mathematical rigour.

I really hope **** can get help me get either of those jobs, but will I be able to hid my transitioning from them?

I am angry. I am tired. I’m this close to wanting to quit.

So, what is it that has got my panties in a wad? Simple, I’m tired of Asians giving me dirty looks when I’m with my Fiancé. That’s it; I don’t like it, in fact I can barely stand it.

I feel better now.

Anyway, I think I’ll be moving out soon. **** told me to call him today and talk to him about job related stuff. I could get a job I may only work twice a week; however, it pays 500 dollars per session. I could also get a salaried job as a server manager. If I could get both I’d be golden.

Now, brings up an issue: I’d like to begin transitioning as soon as possible and I doubt John or either of my potential new employees will be pleased with that. I’m wondering if it would be a good idea to bind my breasts considering the networking job will involve a good deal of semi-intense labor.

I’m at a loss…

What’s happening here?

This is… my fault?


You know what? I’m just at that point at which I’ve given up. I don’t know what to do anymore.

I’m scared; I’m scared of going back to being alone… I’m scared knowing that if I do I loose myself. I’m scared that I won’t care because I’ll have already have lost everything that mattered.

I love it when we were a thing to me envied: the perfect couple. Reality’s sting is thus the strongest and I’ve yet to fully bear it. Everything is falling apart; this total loss of control is baffling.

What happened? We used to talk about everything and anything. Now…, it like there are oceans between us, even when we lie side by side sharing the warm of cool flesh. Why is it that she has so much trouble talking to me now? Why is it that I feel I must hide so much….

Oh, for the beauty of beginning, for that I would give the world, the moon and the stars.